Failed too many driving tests, lost my provisional license and I'm crying at life!

9:40pm and even though i had lied to my mother that i'm going to sleep, i spent time on my phone and still haven't slept when i am SO tired.

I am furious, angry, upset and filled with so much void at the same time.

Driving should have been a small part, something you do for fun- done on side. It is exactly that to me too, but why has it been going wrong in all my previous attempts at the driving tests? They tell me i'm ready for the test, but i come out with a fail.

What a devastating fact that i kept myself calm throughout the whole day telling myself that i always freak out for no reason when usually the missing item is right in front of me. But dear lord have i screamed and cried my eyes out just now. I have officially lost my driving license with it nowhere to be found. On top, i have failed many tests so you see the anxiety adds on!

I know it is easy to just get another one, but hell when you have anxiety of being responsible for everything around you it kills you because you overthink the whole situation 100 times. It is not the £20 of getting a new provisional license that worries me (considering my bank balance is also going down), it is the fact that this is yet again another disappointment to my parents- and they don't even have to say that they are disappointed. I am beginning to think that i am paying for my karma, because right now is such a bad time and no matter what i do, wrong has been happening to me.

But then i question, maybe the wrong that i think is wrong is actually right. But hey, no one gives two fucks about that because what it is it is and right now i feel like a loser. I worry how much i have yet to freak out in the future over bills when i'm completely exhausted and crying over this whole situation.

It was also the worst thing when i got up from the bed today telling myself that i need to stop acting this way, feeling pity for myself and feeding myself the wrong words and then when i got up to look for the provisional card because i also told myself; "Women! get focused!", i felt my hope crumbling down and kept chanting to myself how stupid and weak i am.

But you see, maybe i have it all wrong for sure. I am living life the wrong way. Things like this should not be of worry, whether it would freak someone else out if they were in your situation or not, or whether your parents do actually tell you that you're a disgrace to your family (a little exaggerated but i hope no one gets to hear that from their parents!), it should not even in the literal sense freak you out. Like cheese dammit a license is nothing but to prove that you are legal to drive, if by chance you are able to drive well even without one then you will still be considered to have committed a crime when really are we not entitled to a license because we can DRIVE?! On top, every instructor has their own standards, so the hell you need to be a top of things. If you don't drive like homer, you are definitely safe!

I honestly don't know, my anger over the government and laws is on a different level because authority isn't always right,

But I am not going to blame anyone, or myself. This world could really be flat after all and we might be fed lies that its round, so seriously this shiz is just some phsycial thing and you just have to do what you have to do- in this case, don't you dare consider not getting up and trying again! (yes, i am talking to myself) Do not get scared over a certain situation, what you told yourself about being focused was not wrong even though you were proved wrong. You are given this life, not to have things easy you know, life is going to come at you like a BITCH and you have to stand up to it with the same attitude (but stay calm, we don't need blood pressures to rise). No matter how many times you begin to feel shitty about yourself you are the only one that can also be gentle to yourself. Look after that soul of yours whether you belive in it or not. Tell yourself you're a strong women/man, unaffected by expectations and understand that anything you do is out of your hard work and if something doesn't work out don't give up because life is playing with you right there!

And if you've told yourself many times that you want to be successful at life, then my dear you won't ever be if you give priorities to crying over problems instead of reaching out to them like a mature person will do. There are bigger dreams of yours, then just passing this obstacle of passing your driving test. Yes a lot of money went in, but my dear you much rather live in your own reality that it is all paper then go crazy over it like millions of people do all around the world. They are not lying when they say money goes and comes around.

Honestly, i have read many conversations between people, discussing 'driving' and have read many figures on how many times they have failed and the problems they have. They are in fact the happiest when they say, "but during this time, i finally passed" but it's okay because everyone has their own story and you're doing nothing wrong, because this is just your story- for you to both accept and work around for the better.

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#Inspire